Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

I had a lively discussion about sex, intimacy and desire with Jennifer Jefferies of The Present Day Wise Woman podcast. Below is a summary of the video chapters.

Intimacy vs. Sex @ 0:00

Here we discuss the difference between intimacy and sex, noting that there are five types of intimacy. These are ways we can connect in physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and spiritual ways, making sex just one aspect of intimacy. We emphasize that intimacy is much broader than just sexual intimacy, which is how most people use the word.

Barriers to Intimacy @ 6:15

Here I outline the key barriers that can prevent people from developing intimacy with themselves and their partners. These may include a lack of self-knowledge, body image issues, cultural and societal myths and expectations around bodies and how they function, as well as relational factors like poor communication and unresolved conflicts.

The Five Gears of Sex @ 13:55

We speak about an explanatory framework of the five “gears” of touch or levels of sexual intimacy with their accompanying arousal levels. 1. affectionate touch 2. sensual touch 3. playful touch 4. erotic touch 5. orgasmic/penetrative touch. I emphasize the importance of working up through these gears gradually rather than jumping straight to the highest gear.

Desire Inhibitors and Desire Accelerators @ 30:33

We dive deeper into the concept of desire, using the metaphor of “brakes and accelerators” of desire, also known as the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. Noting that desire is the most easily disrupted aspect of human sexuality, we outline four key categories of “brakes” that can inhibit desire – physiological, psychological, relational, and situational factors. Understanding, addressing and eliminating as many of these brakes as possible is key to reigniting desire.

Advice for Women @ 38:26

Here I provide practical advice for women, recommending resources like the books “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. I emphasize the importance of self-education and seeking professional help if needed to develop a healthy, fulfilling sexual life.

Closing Thoughts @ 41:51

We leave with the key message that their experiences and desires are “normal”, as Emily Nagoski says in her TED talk. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to intimacy and sex. She encourages people to be kind to themselves and focus on what brings them connection and pleasure.

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