Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

You may think that learning to say “No” is a simple matter. This is not necessarily true. We generally expect our partner to respond to requests pretty quickly after we make them. What we may not realise is that some requests are not so simple to fulfil.

For example, you may think you’re asking for a change in behaviour. But for your partner, your request may actually be a developmental challenge. They may not have developed the relationship skills required to do what’s being asked of them.

Your partner may never have learnt to identify what they’re thinking, feeling or needing. They may not know how to say what they want and desire, how to negotiate about their unique needs or how to make clear contracts.

Take this free Relationship IQ Quiz to bust some common assumptions about relationships.

Learning to say “No” in couples counselling

Here is one example of how learning to say “No” is important.

During a couples counselling session, a woman asked her partner to express his emotions more openly to her. It was easy for her to express emotions, and she wanted him to be able to reciprocate. When she made this request, he answered “OK, I’ll do that”. He was expressing his genuine desire to do so. But he couldn’tdo it because he didn’t know the required foundational skills. This problem brought them into counselling with me.

During the session, we explored his connection to his emotions. We discovered that he’d never learnt the very first step, which is to tune into himself, to name what he was actually thinking, feeling or wanting. Even though he wanted to express his emotions for the sake of improving their relationship, he had not yet developed these skills. To him, her request felt like she was asking him to speak Russian when he’d never had a single Russian lesson in his life. It felt like an impossible challenge.

Emotion coaching

On her side, we found how she contributed to this normal relationship conflict in unconscious ways. She hadn’t realized that he was not aware of his thoughts, feelings and needs in the same ways that she was. So, she mistakenly believed he was deliberately hiding his emotions from her. These assumptions meant that she hadn’t developed the capacity to work with the fact that they were at different stages in developing a crucial relationship skill – speaking about emotions. She struggled to accept that she’d have to learn to be an emotion coach to her partner. 

She resented the idea of coaching him, even though he had never been taught emotion skills. Her resentment was getting in the way of understanding that differences are inevitable in every relationship and that we all need to learn to work with our differences if we want to become a good relationship team. It’s often the case that one partner is better at something than the other, for example playing the card game Bridge. If you want your partner to play Bridge with you, and they are willing but don’t know how to, you’ll have to coach them, and they need to be open to being coached by you.

Avoiding conflict

In the counselling session we also discovered that he often said “Yes” to doing tasks even though he knew he didn’t have the time or the energy to carry through with his promises. This pattern, coming from a desire to please, and a more hidden desire to avoid a conflict, had over the years created tension in their relationship. With tasks left undone, he often felt guilty and inadequate. In turn, she felt burdened by carrying the mental load of the relationship, doing the majority of household tasks while feeling resentful because she believed she’d “turned into a nag”. She imagined that he was “making her” be a mother to him and struggled to shift this assumption about him.

Neither of them knew how to have a healthy conflict discussion. Learning to say “No” in healthy ways was something they both struggled with. They both had problems in setting boundaries and working with their differences. Setting boundaries is hard to do, especially when you’re under pressure, feeling stressed, tired and have many unresolved conflicts between you.

It is OK to have different thoughts, feelings and desires than your partner

Being OK with the differences between you involves learning to differentiate in a healthy way. This is a is very important requirement for your individual, as well as relationship growth. It is the necessary groundwork for learning to say “No” in a mature way. Differentiation requires three steps:

1. Turning within and naming your own thoughts, feelings, wants and desires
2. Turning to your partner and expressing your thoughts, feelings, wants and desires in a respectful, moderate way
3. Managing your own emotional reactions, especially if your partner has different thoughts, feelings, wants and desires from yours.

When you and your partner think, feel and desire different things, learning to say “No” requires practicing these steps, over and over.

Wanting to please or avoid conflict often underlies an inability to say “No”

In the example above, the man didn’t say “No” to doing tasks because he wanted to please his wife. Additionally, because he lacked awareness of his own thoughts, feelings and desires, this meant he was unable to correctly identify, communicate and negotiate about whether he had the time and energy to do tasks when she asked him to.

In her case, she couldn’t say “No” to taking on all the tasks because she didn’t know how to manage conflict. She didn’t know how to ask for an appropriate time to have a conversation about what she wanted in a clear and non-demanding way. Her challenge was to learn to ask him – “When is a good time to talk for 10 minutes about household tasks?” Then at the start of this conversation to say whether she needed:

a) a “listening conversation” with him about household tasks, where they could have a “feelings focused” discussion, or

b) a “problem solving” conversation where they’d discuss together what to do about household tasks.

In the past her “solution” had been to do all the tasks resentfully and then to nag him when she felt overwhelmed. This is a common dilemma that I see with couples.

Boundaries and self-esteem

When we say “Yes” we’re often hoping to get someone’s approval or trying to avoid conflict. This is usually because we haven’t yet developed a healthy enough sense of differentiation (see above) and of working through our differences. Developing differentiation is another way of describing developing healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem. Boundaries and self-esteem go together, just like four solid walls are needed to create a structurally sound house.

In a relationship, healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem mean developing the capacity to clearly say:

• whether you can or can’t do something
• saying when you’ll do it or why you can’t
• offering an alternative suggestion about what you can do instead, if you can’t do what they ask
• then doing what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’ll do it. If you can’t do it when you stated, renegotiate your original proposal.

Four steps for learning to say a healthy “No”

1. Acknowledge your behaviour

The first step in changing a “people pleasing” pattern is acknowledging that you’re doing it. Learning differentiation skills is a big part of the process of learning to say “No”.

• Make a commitment to change

Learning any new skill takes time and practice. Commit to learning how to say “No” in a healthy way. It is a process that will take time and practice over months and years. Real change takes effort and deliberate practice, as explained by the expert on expertise K. Anders Ericsson.

• Do a mini assessment

Ask yourself questions like: Am I specifically saying “Yes” when I need to say “No”? Do I need to say a complete “No” or “No for now”? Then negotiate an alternative.

• Pick one thing to which to say “No” and practice with that one

Saying “No for now” might translate to: “I can’t do it right now, because I have a report to finish. I will do it tomorrow by 4.00pm”. Then make sure you follow through on this commitment or renegotiate if you really can’t do it.

Practice, persistence and perseverance

Learning to say a healthy “No” takes practice, persistence and perseverance. This deliberate practice will develop clear boundaries and healthy self-esteem. Learning to say “No” isn’t easy, especially if you’re used to saying a reflexive “Yes”. But it’s an important part of simplifying your life, reducing your stress and building trust.

By learning to say “No” you actually build trust.  When you can say a “No” in a healthy, differentiated way, your partner will know you really mean it when you say “Yes”.

With practice, you’ll find that saying “No” becomes easier. When you can’t say a healthy “No”, your partner will find it hard to trust your “Yes”.

If not being able to say “No” is causing problems in your relationship, you may need an experienced relationship counsellor and coach. Call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.