Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

If you want to revive your relationship, you need to do more than learn how to fight fair. An important feature of successful relationships is that they’re defined by considerable amounts of fun, play, novelty and pleasure. This includes satisfying sex and recreational activities, shared goals and a sense of “we-ness”. Bringing friendship, fun and shared pleasure into your relationship is vital to keeping it alive and well. Make this a priority as soon as you can.

Relationships stay happy only to the extent that you enjoy each other’s company. If you’ve lost the pleasure of being together, this is not only unpleasant. Research on couples shows that it’s dangerous! Gottman and Levenson (1999) found that “drifting apart” is a more common contribution to separation (60%) than intense fighting (40%).

A big factor in you deciding to become a couple was the joint pleasure you shared when you were dating. Positive emotions result from play, fun, humour, exploration, adventure, romance, passion and good sex. Make friendship and fun a high priority. Have pleasurable, conflict-free experiences together, like you had when you were dating.

A two hour weekly date

Schedule a weekly date which ideally takes at least two hours. During this time, don’t discuss any problems or difficult issues. Make a clear agreement that if conflict comes up during date time, that you’ll change the subject and set a separate time to discuss it. This is an essential rule if your goal is to create good times between you. Make sure that you schedule one hour every week for your state of the union meetings.  This is an appointment you make with each other to have conversations about how to manage problems as a team.

Also important, don’t use your dates to discuss practical issues like renovations or issues about your kids. Even if these topics don’t lead to arguments, this is not a good way to spend your precious alone time. You must make time to reconnect as friends and lovers where fun, novelty and pleasure are the focus. If your main ways of interacting are about managing the household, money, kids and caretaking, anything that brings up parenthood and neediness tends to kill the erotic charge, says Esther Perel.

During your dates, talk like you don’t know each other well. Flirt with your partner. Share the details of your daily lives, the successes and good news, what you noticed during the day, the high and low points of your day, share jokes and funny stories. You probably did all of this when you were dating. In the past, you certainly planned ahead of the date about how to present your “best self” to your partner. Do the same now. Also talk about your individual and couple dreams for the future, things you’re looking forward to doing together. Have fun playing Twenty Questions together.

Effective couples coaching can teach you the skills to communicate well and relax together by asking open-ended questions and providing support in the way your partner requires.

The benefits of scheduling

If your relationship is struggling, you’re probably not scheduling pleasurable time together, including time for sex. Scheduling time for fun dates as well as for sex means you’ll get pleasure from the anticipation, as well as the planned event. If you believe that spontaneity is necessary for romance, you may need help in letting go of this myth about sex so you can get the benefits which come from scheduling.

Improvement in any area in your relationship, often leads to improvement in others. More fun, hugs, compliments, sex and intimate involvement of all kinds can lead to beneficial changes, not only in your bond with each other, but in your abilities to fight fair, to understand yourself and each other more deeply, and to accept and forgive each other (Nielsen, 2018) – if that’s needed. In some cases, forgiveness is not necessary or even possible, especially in cases involving betrayal (Spring, 2012) or separation. Acceptance in the hurt party may be enough to heal.

Fun, play, novelty and pleasure

The amount of fun partners have together predicts their overall level of relationship happiness. Fun often involves doing new things. Novelty is closely linked to play, both of which trigger positive emotions because the brain releases opioids, the feel-good chemicals, when we’re having fun. Partners who focus on creating emotional safety above novelty and fun often find that boredom and loneliness overtake their relationship. These feelings may result in emotional or sexual affairs, as attempts to compensate for lack of fun, play, novelty and pleasure.

Play is one of seven primary-process emotions in our brains, according to researcher Dr Jaak Panksepp. They are Seeking, Fear, Rage, Lust, Care, Panic and Play. Playing together helps couples rekindle their relationship and explore other forms of emotional intimacy, says Dr. Scott G. Eberle, editor of the American Journal of Play. After all, you can’t play in the wrong way. Mistakes are part of the fun!

What did you enjoy doing when you first met? Which new things would you like to do or experience together? What gets in the way of you doing some of those things? Talk about what blocks each of you from turning towards each other. Make a plan to counteract those blocks. Work together as a team on a new project called “Fun, play, novelty and pleasure for us.”

Ideas for fun and novelty

Here is a list of ideas of fun and enjoyable ideas you can share with your partner, adapted from Arthur C. Nielsen:

• Go for a walk or a jog
• Cook together
• Garden together
• Play cards or a board game
• Read a short story or book out loud and discuss it. Alternate who reads
• Go biking, bowling, swimming, canoeing, roller-blading, ice skating, indoor climbing or skiing
• Go dancing
• Attend a public lecture
• Attend a concert, play, or movie
• Explore your city as if you were tourists, and see the sights and museums you’ve never taken time to explore
• Go camping and/or hiking
• Learn or play a sport
• Take a class: cooking, dance, “continuing education,” whatever
• Join or organize a book or movie discussion group
• Join a community theatre group
• Participate in a community service project
• Participate in a project or group organized by your religious community
• Participate in a political campaign or event
• Learn a language
• Travel—ideally, somewhere new, to a country where your new language is spoken
• Watch this TED talk by Catherine Price Why having fun is the secret to a healthier life. 
• Add your own…

If you long to have more fun, play, novelty and pleasure in your relationship, call 0421 961 687 or email me to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you. Or see my three eBooks on Amazon.

References:

Gottman, J.M. and Levenson, R.W (1999) What predicts change in marital interaction over time: A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38, 143-158.

Nielsen, Arthur C. (2018). A roadmap for couple therapy: Integrating systemic, psychodynamic, and behavioral approaches. New York: Routledge.

Spring, J.A. (2012). After the Affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York: Harper Collins.