Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

There are five gears of touch in a healthy and happy sexual relationship. Yet we can often get stuck in one way of thinking about touch, affection, and intimacy with our partner. In reality, there are many different forms of touch, each serving a different purpose and meeting a different need. This post presents the “Five Dimensions of Touch”, discussed in Barry & Emily McCarthy’s book “Enhancing Couple Sexuality” , to expand the understanding of touch in our relationship, along with preferences and desires.

A foundational idea is that the essence of couple sexuality is sharing pleasure-oriented touch. Sexuality encompasses far more than intercourse. All types of touch have a role and no one type of touch is inherently better than another. The purpose of this exercise is to facilitate dialogue with a focus on enhancing sexual desire and pleasure.

The Five Dimensions or Gears of Touch

The 5 Dimensions of Touch can also be viewed as five “gears”, with a 1 to 10 scale of subjective pleasure/arousal. It helps to develop a common language to facilitate communication and embrace a variable, flexible approach to intimacy, touching, sexuality, and intercourse. The invitation is to read and discuss the following descriptions of each of the gears, and complete Part 1 and 2 below. Each gear increases the pleasure and arousal of both partners, which is why it’s important to start slow and work your way up.

Affectionate Touch (1st Gear)

• Clothes-on touching, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing.
• Affectionate touch is not sexual, but it provides the foundation for intimate attachment.
• Subjective arousal is anchored at 1.

Sensual Touch (2nd Gear)

• Non-genital pleasuring which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude.
• Sensual touch includes a head, back, or foot rub; cuddling on the couch while watching a DVD, a trust position where you feel safe and connected, cradling each other as you go to sleep or wake.
• Sensual touch is an integral part of couple sexuality. It has value in itself as well as a bridge to sexual desire at that time or later.
• Subjective arousal 1-3.

Playful Touch (3rd Gear)

• Intermixes genital pleasuring with non-genital touch (usually semi-clothed or nude).
• Playful touch can include touching in the shower or bath, full body massage, seductive dancing, or games. What makes playful touch inviting is the enhanced sense of pleasure and unpredictability.
• Playful touch is valuable in itself and/or can serve as a bridge to sexual desire.
• Subjective arousal 4-5.

Erotic Touch (4th Gear)

This is the most challenging gear. Erotic, non-intercourse touch can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation.

• Erotic scenarios and techniques are an integral part of couple sexuality providing a sense of vitality, creativity, and unpredictability. Erotic touch can be mutual or one-way. It can proceed to orgasm or transition to intercourse.
• Subjective arousal 6-10.

Intercourse (5th Gear)

• There are two crucial concepts in integrating intercourse into the gears of connection approach.
  • First, intercourse is a natural continuation of the pleasuring/eroticism process, not a pass-fail sex performance test.
  • Second, transition to intercourse at high levels of erotic flow (7 or 8) and continue multiple stimulation during intercourse.
• Subjective arousal 7-10.

What to do

Just reading or talking about dimensions of touch is not enough. The most important dimension is actually implementing the exercise and experiencing sensual, playful, and erotic touch as a valuable experience for itself not just as a way to build toward intercourse.

Each partner separately considers the percentage of each type of touch they currently receive versus how much they desire. Then come together to discuss your feelings and preferences. Focus on your own individual experience. For example, “I like it best when…”, “I’d like to try…”, or “I am not aroused by…”. Stay away from blaming or shaming.

This week, at least once, maybe twice, practice sensual or playful touch. Either partner is allowed to veto touch if it is not pleasurable. Reading and talking about touch and sexuality is good, but change comes in enacting it. That means participating in the exercises.

Online Sex Therapy for Individuals and Couples in Australia

If you need help in addressing issues and obstacles to a healthy and thriving sex life, a sex therapist can help. Either through individual or couples sessions, a qualified sex therapist can help you uncover and work through obstacles to embracing your sexuality.