Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Talking about sex can be more intimate than having sex.

The most important part of cultivating a healthy sex life is talking about a healthy sex life. The Gottman Institute’s research shows that among couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with each other, only 9% say that they’re satisfied sexually.

Sexual honesty, says Esther Perel, is about communicating with your partner in an open and mature way to reveal core aspects of yourself through your sexuality. It’s not about commenting on your partner. It’s talking about your own needs, desires, fears and hopes. Sometimes it means sharing sexual secrets, in authentic and caring ways, that have been hidden for your whole life.

Even though emotional transparency is held up as the ideal of modern intimacy, in my work with clients I am frequently astonished at the lack of real sexual communication between partners. There are so many myths about sex that get in our way. Part of my work is explicitly coaching partners about how, why, where and when to talk about sex. Especially talking about their own sexual vulnerability.

Talking about sex is hard for most of us

Have you ever tried talking about your sexual preferences, your fears, your hopes? Have you ever told your partner your sexual story? Do you actually know your sexual story? The story of how you learned about sex, how you became aware of your sexuality, how you experienced any pain and shame, but also the joy and beauty of sex. Esther Perel calls this understanding your own “erotic blueprint” or sexual map.

It’s tough. These are not easy conversations. And the worst time to attempt this kind of conversation is during sex. Talking about sex requires that you set aside an intimate time and space separate from when you’re engaged in sex. This is a handy tip to keep in mind.

Many experts in human sexuality recommend creating and updating your own and your partner’s sexual “Love Maps” (Gottman Institute), “Sexual Mind Maps” (David Schnarch) as part of the process of creating “Sexual Intelligence” (Marty Klein). If you’re not familiar with this concept, start simply. Don’t go directly to questions about technique. For example, try these questions:

• I’ve heard that some partners want sex to feel close, but others only want sex when they already feel close. Does that fit us in any way?
• Do you think that’s true?
• Is it true of us?
• Is that a problem?
• If so, how can we make that better?

Sex is not about quantity and numbers

We’ve somehow been conditioned to think about sex in terms of quantity and quality of penetration or intercourse. We’ve also been primed to think about quantity and quality of orgasm. These emphases miss the mark on all counts. Sex isn’t only about the act. It isn’t only about orgasms. It is primarily about connection and pleasure. Sex is “a place you go to” (Esther Perel) where “pleasure is the measure” (Emily Nagoski).

There are times in life when capacity and tolerance for sex fluctuates. The mark of a healthy sex life cannot be measured by a number. This false belief may partly explain why desire discrepancies (the most common sexual complaint) manifests in so many couples. This happens for people in committed relationships, those with performance anxiety, post-partum mothers, men with erectile difficulties, peri or menopausal women, the stressed, the depressed, the anxious, the distracted, the unemployed, the ill, and so much more. These issues happen to all of us and yet often lead to people feeling badly about themselves sexually. Even when sex (or orgasm) is impossible, intimacy, connection and pleasure are not only possible but achievable.

Talking about sex is intimacy-building

This is where talking about sex comes in handy. But not just that. Hugging, holding hands, snuggling, kissing, making out – these types of touch all foster intimacy in different stages of relationships. So does growing together. So does managing conflict and learning to compromise in a “good enough” way for you, your partner and your relationship. This leads to the “good enough” model of sex, as taught by Barry McCarthy. A commitment to increasing intimacy can yield more frequent and more satisfying sex. But even when it doesn’t, connection and pleasure ultimately trump all else for growing intimacy.

The point, in committed relationships, is sharing both the body and the mind on increasingly deep and vulnerable levels. That’s not always fun, though it certainly can be. And it’s not always easy. It can be difficult and risky – yet also courageous. It’s about sharing deeply and respectfully, appropriate risk-taking, being very aware that most of us are extremely vulnerable about our sexuality. Sexual intimacy is vulnerability, and intimate vulnerability is a powerful path to intimacy and personal growth.

Intimate sex

Intimate sex isn’t easy. It can be challenging. Learning how to initiate and refuse sex without hurting your partner is work. Getting to know your own and your partner’s dreams, preferences, and body is work. Overcoming resistance, fear, and shame is work. Improving your own reactions and responses is work. There are so many myths about sex, and many of us don’t take the time to correct these myths by undertaking good sex education from reliable sources. For example, porn is not sex education, but it can be entertaining as well as add novelty to your individual and shared sex life.

In a committed relationship, it is a very damaging myth that sex should be spontaneous, ever-passionate and that you should know exactly what to do without needing to talk. Sexual unhappiness must follow if these beliefs are present.

Intimate and connected sex takes ongoing discussion. It’s harder, messier and riskier than just jumping into a sexual interaction. It requires learning to develop sexual intelligence. It’s much deeper than impersonal, performance-oriented, orgasm-focused sex. And people who are committed to improving their intimate, passionate, romantic, and sexual lives with one another don’t have to settle for disconnected, pressured or bland sex.

There are many ways to become a good sexual team, and to have fun along the way. You can start by reading how you can make intimacy a daily practice.

If you want help in learning to talk about sex and sexuality issues, you may need an experienced and accredited sex therapist. Call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you. See my 3 eBooks on Amazon.