Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

Cracking the code of your intimate relationship means learning about emotions. Emotions are core to human interactions. They provide the code, the key, to successful relationships. Emotion regulation and self-soothing skills are essential if you want to manage the complexity of your own and your partner’s emotional worlds. Practicing and building these skills is the secret to developing emotional intelligence.

Without the ability to understand, use and respond in a healthy way to your own as well as your partner’s emotions, impaired interactions and communications result. It is the quality of the emotional connection you share that sets good relationships with intimate partners apart from those you have with your more casual acquaintances.

The CODE

There are some basic principles in a healthy relationship which underpin the mnemonic CODE, which stands for Compassion, Openness, Depth and Equality. By first focusing on applying these attitudes towards yourself, you’re in a much better position to treat others in respectful ways. This is not an either or deal because research shows emotions are contagious.

Cracking the code in your relationship requires sustained effort, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. There’s always the risk that one of you may not try as hard as you did at the beginning of the relationship. But if creating a conscious, loving, mutually committed and evolving relationship is important for you, focusing on the CODE will be of great value.

Compassion

It’s common for people to have a distorted view of what friendliness, warmth and compassion really mean. We all know that we need to take care of ourselves, but how many of us really know how to practice self-compassion (as explained by Kristin Neff) and emotional self-care? When you begin to develop compassion and acceptance of yourself and your emotions, then you’re really taking care of yourself in ways that pay off. You will feel more at ease with your own body and mind and more comfortable in the world. As your kindness and mindfulness of your own emotions grow, your ability to feel and express kindness and compassion towards your partner grow in parallel. You will realise that we’re all in the process of becoming. No-one and nothing in this world is perfect.

Compassion is a blend of many of the qualities comprising love. Compassion means friendliness toward yourself and your partner. Genuinely helping your partner means learning to act for their benefit without excessive interference from your own agendas. It also implies trusting yourself – trusting that you have what it takes to know yourself thoroughly without feeling shame or despair, without turning against yourself because of what you see. The more you trust yourself, the less need you have to either cling to or turn away from your partner. Cracking the code means that even though your partner may evoke strong emotions in you, you don’t automatically pursue them or withdraw from them when your emotions hijack your thinking. By developing the ability to stay centred and open to yourself and your partner, you gradually develop the capacity to turn towards them in truly compassionate ways.

Mutual compassion is necessary, because when either one of you is tired, stressed, sick or under the temporary influence of a mood, caring for yourself at the same time as caring for your partner helps you remember that the development of compassion is an ongoing process. Practicing compassion for yourself and your partner implies paying attention to your own emotions. Your emotions inform you about your thoughts, feelings and needs, like for example, realising that you’re walking on eggshells or are repeatedly avoiding issues that need to be addressed. Noticing your own emotions and using them as information, gives you the courage to raise issues in a caring way without causing unnecessary harm to yourself, your partner, or the relationship.

Openness

In order to be open with others in a healthy way you first have to be open with yourself. It’s a process of becoming increasingly comfortable with who you are. You do this by familiarising yourself with and becoming mindful of your ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. You’ll soon see that there’s a lot of variety and fluctuation in these aspects of yourself, you’ll notice that nothing is stable and permanent. This knowledge will help you to be open to the ideas and opinions of your partner. It helps you practice a relationship skill called accepting influence, which takes time to develop.

At the start of any relationship, you don’t need to open up right away and tell your deepest secrets. It’s best to do this gradually, after spending sufficient time together. Over time, you’ll learn more about your partner, their likes and dislikes, their strengths and quirks of personality, as well as your reactions to these. When you know them better and your interactions have shown that trust has been built, only then should you begin revealing any skeletons you may have in your closet. Developing openness wisely is part of cracking the code in your intimate relationship.

Another aspect of being open is telling the truth. It may feel uncomfortable at first, especially telling a truth that could possibly make your partner upset. In the long run, your partner will respect the fact that you told the truth. Openness requires saying what your real opinion is on a matter.

It takes courage to think about what and how you’re going to say your truth, and to ask yourself: “What emotions may result in me and my partner when I say or do this? Are there positive/negative consequences?” If you disagree with your partner, you can learn to say a healthy “no” by clearly stating your reasons for disagreeing combined with offering an alternative. Don’t try to force your opinion on your partner. Instead try to understand, learn from and respect your differences. Telling the truth and learning to say and hear a healthy “no” will be beneficial to you as a couple, because only then can you believe them when they say “yes”.

Every couple has disagreements, this is normal. Explaining what you think, feel and need and trying to express your opinion in respectful and moderate ways may open them up to new ideas. It encourages them to see your point of view as there are always two valid perspectives in a couple dynamic. Although it’s tempting to avoid problems that come up, talking through situations not only helps you get over a problem more quickly, it also helps you bond as a couple. It provides shared experiences of problem management which build your capacity to get through problems by openly discussing them with each other. This is essential for a strong and healthy relationship. Leave time to just talk openly because talking is good for bonding.

Depth

A healthy relationship can be a universe within itself. Though still connected with the world around it, the relationship can supply each of you with a deepening foundation from which to grow together. You can increase the depth of the relationship by the things you do together. You foster depth by cultivating intellectual and emotional rapport, by exploring joint values, by sharing fun and by honouring your commitment to each other. These all contribute to cracking the code of your intimate relationship.

When you expand the range of activities and interests that you discuss together and share, you expand the depth of your relationship. Each of you must have a say in what you do and whom you see to deepen the trust between you. The more variety you have in your life together, the more depth and dimension you provide the relationship. A deep relationship is fresh and alive, interesting and vital, no matter how long you’ve been together. Variety can range from relaxing activities like sitting together in nature to engaging in new hobbies, to reading and discussing some of the same books. The fire of the first months will not blaze forever, so cultivate mutual interests and explore ways to have fun together.

Depth in a lasting relationship is not sensational, but subtle. And it’s the appreciation of the subtleties that can move the relationship beyond the excitement of infatuation into deeper connection. By cultivating mutually respected goals and values, you will instill integrity as well as depth into your relationship. Values are the personal, ethical, compassion-based, philosophical and spiritual beliefs that you hold. By sharing your thoughts, feelings and values, bouncing ideas off each other, thinking about your beliefs and being prepared to debate them together, your values can deepen and mature.

Another way to achieve depth is through commitment. Being committed to each other means that both of you have decided that your relationship is a priority and that you’re in it for the long haul. Neither of you is in it as matter of convenience but because of commitment to each other. Commitment is an essential ingredient for cracking the code for deep intimacy. Your relationship will inevitably be tested by a variety of life stressors, but with commitment and loyalty, your relationship can weather any storm. Loyalty means that you’re there for each other when it counts. When either one of you is challenged by life’s inevitable stresses, you know that your partner is there to support you. Your principal allegiance is to each other because you’ve committed to working as a team.

Equality

Equality sets a strong, level foundation on which your relationship is built. Basing your relationship in equality enhances the likelihood of it being successful for both of you. If you want an egalitarian relationship, decisions which affect both of you are made together. This is teamwork and it’s done by asking for each other’s input and listening to each other’s ideas. Each of you bring unique attributes, abilities, talents and sensitivities to your relationship and drawing on these qualities will enhance the process of growth in your relationship. Equality also involves respecting each other’s rights for attention, support, time, space, connection, sex and comfort. Because you’re different, you will necessarily have different needs in these areas. Working together to create understanding and learning to negotiate about these differences develops differentiation in each of you. Differentiation is an important developmental process in a couple which helps you define your thoughts, feelings and desires so that you negotiate effectively to ensure both your needs are equally understood and respected.

Part of the ongoing process of enhancing equality in your relationship is that you assume mutual responsibility for such things as decision-making, planning, household tasks, finances, kids, pets, care-taking and nurturing your relationship. This is facilitated by allowing the other to express themselves freely without interruptions or put downs, by asking for what you’d like instead of making demands, and with an awareness that power is shared equally so that no one is the boss of the other. If one of you has more skill in one area, it’s fine to mutually decide that the skilled one take more responsibility in that area. To do this well, transparency and openness is required, so that in putting forward your preferences you trust that the other will complete their agreed-upon responsibilities.

Settle for nothing less than cracking the CODE in your intimate relationship and make sure that both of you share an appreciation of its principles. Both partners need to participate fully to establish and develop a healthy, thriving relationship based on teamwork.

If you need help with cracking the code for an emotionally healthy relationship, call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

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