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There is a secret behind the 10 minute relationship miracle. This touching email describes the pain that many people experience when they feel disconnected from their partner:
“I get the feeling that my partner is becoming emotionally distant. This is a pattern for me. After a few months where things are going unbelievably well, my partners disappear on me. I am desperate but I know you can help me.”
Becoming Emotionally Distant
Does this sound familiar? Whether you’re just dating and your partner has become emotionally distant or you’ve been together for 20 years and your relationship is in a deep freeze, here’s a simple technique that can save almost any relationship.
Because humans need connection and romantic love is an attachment bond, we all need to feel attached to at least one person. We also need to know that this one special person has our back.
I recommend you try this if you really want your relationship to turn around. I’ve lost count of the many couples who’ve been helped by regularly practicing this listening skill.
The skill of listening well
The 10 minute relationship miracle is a skill. It is a skill that can be taught and learnt, and is one of the major relationship tools that can help turn your relationship around. This exercise will help you attract your partner, deepen your bond and make them feel happy to be around you. Does this sound too good to be true?
Well, here are the facts: about 80% of people who separate say that the reason the relationship ended was that they grew apart. They lost the feeling of being close. It was the lack of closeness, not an affair or other crisis that was at the top of the list. And the engine that fuels closeness is the ability to listen well. With that in mind, let’s get started.
Schedule ten minutes of listening for each of you
Schedule regular ten minute listening sessions with your partner. At first, schedule them at least every day.
In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their mind, while the other simply listens with full attention. The listener does not add their point of view. If the speaker has a silent period, I suggest saying something like “Nothing is coming to mind.” No matter what, use a timer and honour a full ten minute session – just as if you were paying a therapist for their time!
Avoid complaining about your relationship in these sessions. Instead, really get to know each other. Talk about anything and everything else in your life. After the two of you get used to having these listening sessions, you can try adding a weekly State of the Union meeting to talk about your relationship in a structured, respecful way.
There’s one rule
Anything that is said during your 10 minute relationship miracle time is sacred and cannot be brought up during an argument.
When the speaker’s time is over, switch roles, and let the person who’s been listening have their ten minutes to talk. Reset the timer. Do not use this time to comment on your partner’s ten minutes or turn this into a debate. This time is not a “problem solving” session. It’s a listening session. It’s a sharing time designed for each of you to speak about your thoughts and feelings without holding back.
This ten minute process takes discipline and self-control, just like learning any skill. The more the two of you cultivate the ability to listen, the closer you will be to rekindling your love. Here are some other strategies for giving and nurturing your intimate relationship.
Listening works wonders
In my clinical work since 1981, I’ve seen hellish relationships come back from the brink of disaster by using only this one listening exercise! My husband and I use this 10 minute relationship miracle skill daily. We listen regularly to stay connected to each other by sharing our thoughts, feelings and needs about all sorts of things, especially when we differ. Differences are inevitable. And listening well to each other helps you find effective ways to work with your differences.
If you don’t want to go through all the emotional, financial, and familial hell of a breakup, schedule formal 10 minute listening sessions with each other on a regular basis. They really are a miracle cure. And they often help you re-create your relationship vision together.
In my counselling practice, I coach you in ways to develop this and other crucial skills. If you want a long-term passionate relationship, counselling or relationship coaching may be just what you need to give you some practical, learnable skills.
You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.