Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Bad relationship habits, difficulties and pain occur in all relationships. They are impossible to avoid. This is why we need to learn about, and practice, time-proven principles to address recurring relationship issues.

The following list of seven bad relationship habits is a humorous look at some of the things we all do at times.

But it’s amusing how blind we can be to these bad habits, especially if we don’t make conscious and deliberate efforts to resist engaging in these annoying behaviours.

Bad Relationship Habit #1: Smart-Aleck Behaviour

Let’s get this straight. You are the boss and it’s vital that you frequently remind your partner that you’re more intelligent, more gifted and quicker than them. Let them know that you can deal with their responsibilities and behaviours better than they do.

For instance, if you’ve been cleaning the house since you were a young thing, feel free to tell your partner exactly how they should be approaching this task. Point out all the things they’re not doing according to your standards. And especially highlight where they haven’t been using your methods.

Similarly, if you’re good at managing money, it’s entirely appropriate to tell your partner how much to spend on what. In fact, you should probably get into their online bank account and manage it for them, purely to show them that you have their best interests at heart.

Don’t allow them for one moment to entertain the thought that you’re not more intelligent and better than them. Otherwise they’ll assume they can clean the house and manage their budget reasonably well. You don’t want that! They must always be reminded that you’re smarter than them. That way they won’t get above themselves.

How to break this habit

Resist pointing out what you believe are inadequacies in your partner’s behaviours or how they manage their responsibilities. Calm yourself down, be mindful of your own reactions first. Then thank your partner for doing the job. Next, arrange a suitable time for both of you to have an honest, respectful discussion about your different approaches to tasks. Work towards negotiating acceptable differences in your methods and remember that this will be an ongoing process. You can always renegotiate later, if something’s not working for either one of you.

Bad Relationship Habit #2: Controlling Your Partner

Relationship experts keep repeating the message (yawn) that teamwork and sharing power is important. But your bottom line is that the only important thing is you maintaining control. Relationships are all about power and control, and if your partner is glum about that, well, they should understand it hurts you more than it hurts them.

Express concern about your partner’s morale. Make a point of lecturing them, in minute detail, about why their bad morale is negatively influencing you and the rest of the family. Even better, repeat this message often, to ensure they know what you’re going to say even before you start. In addition, be certain to inform them when they’ve gotten a bit sloppy and aren’t totally enthusiastic about being lectured by you.

How to break this habit

Just like in dancing, if you’re always leading, your partner’s only option is to follow. An excellent dance duo can only develop with both contributing equally and doing their best as individuals to move in harmony with their dance partner. This requires exquisitely fine-tuned teamwork and sharing power, with sometimes one leading the dance and other times gracefully relinquishing the lead to the other.

Negotiating power is part and parcel of all human relationships, so power and power imbalances are inescapable. Like dance partners, it’s about regaining your own balance first, then helping your partner adjust theirs to keep the dance fluid. You can’t help your partner if you’re off balance by always leading (or always following).

Your partner’s morale is a possible indicator that something’s not right in their world. Take some time to inquire about their day, how they’re feeling and if there’s anything on their mind that’s concerning them. Make yourself available to listen and remember not to take it personally, especially if it’s something about you. They’re attempting to communicate feelings (feelings are not facts) and if you can listen without being defensive, this will go a long way to creating a platform for you both to have conversations about sensitive issues.

Bad Relationship Habit #3: Resisting Change

Who said variety is the spice of life? You must stick to saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Make sure that the entire way the relationship is organised guarantees that you stay in power by resisting anything new. Given that you’re the boss, making sure everything stays the same is the only viable way.  Why would you even think about making changes? (Note: the only people who really like changing are babies with dirty nappies). Maintaining the status quo is the way to go.

Even if everything isn’t going all that well in your relationship, at least it’s familiar and predictable. It’s the devil you know. Make sure you know ahead of time what your partner will say and do, the regular routines you’ve established, and the predictable triggers for arguments. Why bring anything new into this picture? Novelty might make you uncomfortable and require you to make adjustments.

How to break this habit

Remember that if neither of you change the patterns of interaction between you, what you get is a dull and boring relationship. Without nurturance, diversity and novelty, relationships die. Influence between people in relationships is mutually dependent and reciprocal. You react to your partner and your partner reacts to you, and on it goes.

This cycle can be broken at any point. If you change your behaviour and reactions consistently and they’re noticeable to your partner, your partner’s reactions will change. This in turn, changes your reactions. This process gives the relationship a way to stay vibrant and alive. Fun, play, novelty and pleasure are very important for relationships.

Bad Relationship Habit #4: Lies and Put downs

You must make sure that your partner hates their friends and relatives. This is a foolproof way to maintain control. For best results, you also want to make certain that your partner’s friends and relatives are full of resentment and offence – all aimed at your partner and not you.

There are many ways to do this.  First, make sure that you tell everyone involved a different version of one story, so when they talk to each other the seeds of doubt about who’s lying sprout in everyone’s mind. Never say what actually happened or tell the same story as your partner. You are totally in charge of what gets said.

Second, use every possible opening to set your partner and their friends and relatives against each other by passing on harsh things they’ve said about one another. (Tip: if nothing’s currently going on, use your imagination and start a rumour).

Third, at all times blame someone else if there’s been a mistake. Remember you are squeaky clean, so make sure everyone gets a go at being the scapegoat. That way all of them have the experience of feeling really bad.

Last, but not least, it is crucial that you at all times have the last word in an argument. Naturally you’re doing this to “keep the peace in the family.”  This means you get all the honour for a job well done.

How to break this habit

Honour your partner’s needs to have meaningful time with their friends, relatives and hobbies. Give each other room to breathe, as this will make you happier and enables you to bring new influences and ideas into your relationship. It keeps things interesting, just like in the honeymoon stage where you were both a fascinating mystery to each other and spent time exploring your differences.

Remember the fact that both of you, as well as your partner’s friends and family, each have unique perspectives and different ways of being in the world. Honouring and respecting this, even though you may not agree with their truth, goes a long way towards creating tolerance. It’s called developing differentiation, and is an ongoing process throughout your relationship. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, as well as not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, are poisonous to relationships. Do your very best to avoid these whenever you can by using their antidotes.

Bad Relationship Habit #5: Not Seeking Help from Anyone

There’s an old rule that fits all occasions: “If you want something done right, do it yourself!”

You know you can’t rely on other people for anything. As an achiever, take over and do the job right, by yourself, at all times! For example, if you’re the relationship manager, it’s always a good idea to jump in right away to whatever’s happening. Demand to be involved in everything your partner does and direct their actions. It’s obvious that you can’t depend on inefficient people to do anything, especially since you’re the superior person.

Next, wait until your partner’s just about to complete something then dive in and put on the finishing touches that will make the project top class. Isn’t it a manager’s duty to make certain that everything is done according to your plans?

Finally, don’t believe any rubbish about the importance of delegating. That’s just for wimps who can’t get things done. Ignore all that silly advice about sharing tasks and responsibilities or asking for advice from people who have specialised training in relationship skills. What would they know? Do achievers delegate? Of course not! They take charge and do it themselves.

A huge payoff from this habit is that sooner or later your partner may decide that they can do nothing without you. They’ll become totally dependent on you. Now that’s security!

How to break this habit

There’s a golden rule that applies in relationships: “Would you rather be right or happy?” Insisting on being right in all circumstances makes you and your partner very unhappy. It’s smart to give up being right over small, inconsequential issues. Standing up for your values is important, yet doing so in a non-aggressive way is equally important. Allow your partner room to move, breathe and make their own mistakes. Offer to help, yet respect their need to do it in their own way.

In a healthy partnership, teamwork is of utmost importance. Just like in softball, the pitcher relies on the catcher to return the ball or to catch fouls. Each player has their position and skill set and cooperates with the other players to make the team run smoothly.

Teamwork means the two of you deciding together to delegate and/or take on tasks, provided each of you has agreed to take on that task for and by a specified amount of time. It frees you up to devote your energy to things you’re good at or have agreed to take on because they need to be done, trusting that your partner will do their bit. Remember you can always renegotiate until you find a way that works best.

Bad Relationship Habit #6: Keep Them Guessing

Making sure your partner never knows exactly what you’re thinking or doing is obligatory to keeping your partner alert. You’ll have them trying to read your mind.

If you know you’ll be working back, don’t phone to inform them of this. When you plan to go somewhere with your friends, don’t mention it. If you know there’s no food in the house, never offer to go shopping. When your partner asks you to buy the milk on the way home, forget to do it. If your partner asks your opinion on something, your standard reply should be: “That’s still to be determined.” If they want a decision, be sure to answer: “I’m thinking about it” and don’t ever bring it up again.

When you ask your partner to do something for you, always be vague about what you’d like. This is a great way to inspire innovation. When they’ve finished and seek your feedback, say only: “That’s not it.” Then look upset, give your partner the cold shoulder, and say: “You’re not trying hard enough!”

The simple fact is, relationships are like poker, and winning at poker requires you to hold your cards close to your chest and be brilliant at bluffing. Excellent poker players never reveal their strategy to the other players.

Hold in mind: Staying in control demands that you keep your partner perplexed and bewildered. Think about it, why would they need you to manage them if they know what they’re supposed to be doing?

How to break this habit

Having consideration for your partner’s time and needs is one of the most effective ways of getting your authentic needs met. Keep your partner informed about your plans and what you’d like to do. This is a clear way to ensure they keep you in the loop about their arrangements. It also makes them more likely to negotiate with you so that you both get the most out of your life together.

Learn to share your opinions in an open-handed way, so your partner knows where you stand. If you’re not sure about your view, say so. Tell them you’d like to think about it overnight and that you’ll let them know tomorrow. Then follow through on what you’ve promised! Do what you say you’re going to do, when you said you would. Give clear, behavioural instructions when asking for something to be done. That way your partner has the opportunity to say whether they can or can’t do it and can negotiate a mutually acceptable alternative.

Bad Relationship Habit #7: Threatening to End the Relationship

This is your trump card! It means that you must always be ready to ditch your partner at the drop of a hat. Holding the “I’m out of here” card makes it easier for you not to care two hoots about what your partner feels. It’s good to keep them guessing about your intentions and commitment.

An excellent time to pull out this card is in an argument. This keeps them in line and teaches them never to express an opinion or need that’s different from yours.

Threatening to break up is a powerful form of emotional blackmail and cunningly manipulates your partner if they don’t do what you want. Its core message is: “If you don’t behave the way I want you to, you will suffer because I’ll be gone”.

How to break this habit

If you sincerely want your relationship to work, make a promise to yourself never to threaten to end the relationship, especially in an argument. During fights, we often think, say and do things that we later regret. Once it’s done, we can’t take them back.

What’s happening is that your emotional brain causes you to go into “fight or flight” mode which hijacks your thinking brain. Instead of thinking or acting clearly, you react automatically to keep you safe. But this is usually done in an unskilful way which you later regret. Watch Julie Gottman explain how in those moments, our body is flooded with stress hormones and we react to our partner as if they’re a sabre-toothed tiger.

All of us are biologically wired to keep ourselves safe. Your particular neurobiology, psychology, family and relationship history will influence the way it plays out in you. Plan for this to happen and practice taking a “Responsible Time-out” at the first sign of anger or fear, if possible before the wave of emotion picks you up and dumps you.

A “Responsible Time-out” is where you tell your partner you’re leaving the room (not the relationship) for at least half an hour to quiet yourself down and that you’ll be back to discuss it when you’re calmer. Make sure you give a specific length of time (e.g. half an hour) and then reconnect with your partner at the time you told them. This builds trust that you’ll do what you promised.

If you’re not ready to interact in a calm way, let them know you need more time. Say something like “I need another hour. I’ll be back in an hour to set a time to discuss this with you”. This is simple, but it’s not easy! It takes lots of practice to rewire your brain to respond in a more effective way to strong emotions.

What to do

If bad relationship habits are causing problems for you, you may need an experienced relationship counsellor & coach. Call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

You can also take this Free Relationship Happiness Quiz to see how you’re doing.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.