Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Is your relationship charge gone? You’ve probably not been taught that relationships require an ongoing investment of attention, time and energy to maintain and enhance their vitality. Relationships are like gardens – they are living things. If you don’t tend them, feed them, weed and water them, they get out of control, wither and die.

There’s also another way to think about it. Relationships are like batteries. Batteries must be regularly recharged so the devices they power can run smoothly. This means that if you don’t regularly recharge your relationship’s batteries, it too will wither and die.

If you’re like me, you work hard, are pressed for time or are probably caught up in the everyday grind of activities. This can often result in the sense that you’re on a deprivation schedule. Fantasizing about romance seems like the one place where you can let yourself be spontaneous and feel enjoyment.

I suggest you try fantasising about how you can increase the romance and friendship in your current relationship instead. After you do this, discuss with your partner what each of you wish to change or add. Then put these joint plans into action. Doing this will pay huge dividends and your relationship charge will grow.

You may not realise that you fantasised and put things into action a lot when you first met your partner. You probably look back with nostalgia to this first stage of your relationship. It’s called the Honeymoon stage.

The Honeymoon stage

Most people are familiar with the heady rush of falling in love. During this time, you feel excitement and highly-charged energy for this person who seems to be the answer to all of your problems. In this early stage of relationship it’s like your dream has come true. Sparks fly and the charge generated between you and your partner is powerful and irresistible.

Romantic love can be so intoxicating! It convinces you that it’s true love, that this is the right person for you, that they will answer all your prayers and cure all your ills and make up for all the dissatisfaction of your past and present lives.

Yet instead of idealizing romantic love with someone other than your partner, or sacrificing everything for someone you hardly know, why not put all that energy and charge back into the relationship you already have? A truth to remember is: “What you put energy into, grows”.

Learn the skills to create a good relationship

Unfortunately, we’re not taught how to be experts in relationships. To be an expert you need to learn and practice a skill set, over and over. Practice is the only way we become good at anything. Yet sadly, no one prepares you for the time when your relationship charge goes, the time when the battery is flat.

Relationship flat batteries often happen because you become lazy, you take each other for granted, you no longer make an effort. That means you’re no longer practicing good relationship skills. As a result, in every relationship there will come a time when disillusionment arrives. You wake up one day and for many reasons feel terribly let down by your partner. Your dream come true has turned into a nightmare. That’s when it’s easier to blame them and remain clueless how you’ve contributed to the unsatisfactory state of your relationship.

Remember how differently you felt and behaved when you were making an effort to attract your partner? And now, when someone new comes along who appears charming, attractive and sexy, it’s tempting to inwardly detach from your partner. It’s tempting to get swept up in something new, different and apparently better. It’s easy to forget that you felt exactly the same at the beginning of your current relationship. What happened? Where did that magic go?

Cast your mind back to the start of your relationship. You can probably remember when you thought about your partner and fantasised about the prospect of having a relationship with them. You imagined it was an exciting opportunity. It seemed full of mystery, totally unknown, rich in promise and ripe with potential. Your relationship charge was full, because everything was so new and unfamiliar. It made you anticipate and plan every contact you’d have with them, every call, or text or email you’d make. You planned how you’d be & behave when you met up with them.

You were being your best self

What was happening then was that you made an effort to present your best self to your partner, to be witty and thoughtful. You were interested in them and you made efforts to be interesting to them. You thought about what you’d wear and what fun activities you could suggest. You were keen on trying new ways of being and thinking, visiting new places, eating different foods, introducing stimulating topics of conversation, inquiring about your partner’s likes, dislikes, dreams and hopes.

In effect you were magnetic! Maybe you don’t know this, but you were practicing a set of relationship skills. You were inspired and inspiring, full of energy, curious and helpful. No effort was too big in your attempts to show your partner that you cared. You contributed a lot to making this phase of your relationship so dynamic and alive. In fact, when you really think about it, there was nothing “spontaneous” about this phase at all. Spontaneity is a myth that you keep searching for today. But it is based on an imagined past that never actually existed because lots of planning took place before each contact with your partner.

Re-charge yourself from the inside first

When your relationship charge is gone, the contributing part of yourself has gone to sleep. But it can be re-awakened. Instead of looking for charge and inspiration from others, first imagine how you’d like to feel and be within yourself. Ask yourself what you can give and contribute, not just what you can get from your partner.

All of us must learn the skills to create a good relationship. And we must all keep practicing these skills to keep developing our relationship fitness. Don’t wait for your partner to make the effort first. Don’t expect that a new partner will do it for you. The charge of a new relationship won’t last long, without input from you.

You must change your own self first, recharge yourself so that your energy can be reinvested in the relationship. When you and your energy are charged, you give off a magnetism. This is highly attractive and can reignite the spark in your relationship.

It’s inevitable that your batteries will run flat every now and again. It happens to everyone and to all relationships at some time. But your relationship charge can be rebooted. You can recharge yourself by doing things that give you joy, purpose and meaning; things which are totally in line with your own integrity. And you can recharge the relationship by doing new, different, exciting things together, honouring the commitments you’ve made to each other. You need to refocus your energy, individually and together, by taking actions. This will increase your relationship charge and reawaken your love for each other.

Energy is an inside job

Looking for others to “do it for you” has many down sides. Ask yourself these questions:

1. “What’s in it for them to be with me if I don’t feel good about myself?”
2.  “Why would they want to keep investing their good energy in me, if I’m not making the effort for myself or the relationship?” 

Their energy charge, just like yours, is not endless. You need to ensure that their efforts are reciprocated, that you’re both contributing to the relationship charge. It takes teamwork to work through difficult times. You work together to give your relationship a charge and to build an exceptional relationship.

Relationship charge takes work

I’d like to invite you to start today. Why wait for something to happen? Waiting for things to change is very frustrating. It’s also a losing proposition. So unless you take the lead, do the work, and begin to recharge yourself and the relationship, it may slowly die, just like a worn out battery.

If flat batteries and lack of relationship charge are causing problems for you, you may need an experienced relationship counsellor & coach. Call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.