Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Welcome to our first Newsletter for 2019. I hope you’ve had a peaceful and love-filled time over the festive season.

January is a time when many people reflect on the past year and what you’d like to do differently this year.  It’s often a time to review your relationship.

I’d like to encourage you as this new year dawns, to turn your heart and mind towards two things. One: what are the things that bring and increase your personal peace and contentment? Two: what brings peace and contentment to your relationship?

When you replenish and heal yourselves, individually and as a couple, you can be a light for others who are struggling to find their own peace and healing in their relationship.

What else is there to do but heal your past, build resilience for the future and to live more wholeheartedly in the present moment? This is what constitutes peace and contentment for you, as an individual and a couple. This then flows out to your family and your wider community. Don’t under-estimate the impact this can have on your world.

Increasing your individual peace and contentment

Here are some important steps you need to take to make yourself emotionally and mentally capable of having a successful relationship. It involves pushing yourself out of your emotional and mental comfort zones.

1. Fill up your inner joy. When you’re out of juice it’s your responsibility to plug yourself into things that make you feel refreshed and so you can renew your inner energy. People are attracted to and want to be around people who know how to make themselves happy. Write a list of things that really fill you up. This is an excellent reference for when you’re down and your creative mind is blocked. Use these activities and create rituals like scheduling meetings with yourself to take care of yourself. Literally – block that time out in your calendar and don’t cancel or postpone. Make yourself a priority. Self-care and self-compassion are vital to peace and contentment.
2. Cultivate a curious mind. This is key to being interesting and interested. Keeping someone special interested in you, begins with your own happiness, self-confidence and whether or not you are an interesting person. What makes you interesting? Do you have unique hobbies, are you learning about cooking or art, have you traveled to foreign countries, are you studying a particular spiritual practice? Make the time to do things that interest you and so you constantly grow as a person. Being a life-long learner leads to an enriching and fulfilling life.
3. Do things that develop your self-confidence. Fear is one of the biggest enemies of self-confidence. Learn how to kick your fear to the curb. Trepidation and anxiety are not sexy. In fact they damage you and your potential for being the best partner you can be. When you have negative feelings and negative inner self-talk, they’re transmitted through your whole being. It cuts you off from people and makes you feel isolated. Learn how to dismiss your negative self-talk if you want to truly connect with people in a positive way. To read in more detail about these three steps, check out my blog Love Fitness – Are You in Shape for Your Relationship?

Increasing your relationship peace and contentment

1. Build love maps of your partner’s inner world. Be curious about your partner in respectful and non-intrusive ways. For example, ask them about their interests, hobbies and daily lives. This grows your sense of connection. Be interested in their plans, hopes, dreams, as well as their worries and concerns. When you ask them questions, practice being a good listener. Be supportive and attentive in the way that your partner needs, not in the way you think they need. If you’re not sure how to support them, ask them! Then actually do what it is that they’ve asked for. Knowing your partner’s inner world and how they need you to support them helps you become more engaging, trustworthy and capable of real intimacy.
2. Tell your partner every day what you appreciate and admire about them. Tell them how grateful you are that they’re in your life. Look out for what they’re doing right every day and let them know in verbal and non-verbal ways. What you focus on grows. Make a list of things you appreciate and admire about them and tell them every day – at least three things daily. There is a lot of research showing that gratitude makes you individually happier and that showing appreciation makes your partner and your relationship happier. The expressions of gratitude that have the biggest impact are ones which acknowledge what it is about your partner’s actions that stand out as noticeable. Give them specific examples. Here are some tips to make the most of your relationship.
3. Turn towards bids for connection. A “bid for connection” is any attempt one partner makes to the other for attention, affirmation, affection, or any positive connection. Bids can be simple, like a smile or wink, or more complex, like a request for advice or help. It’s important to learn to recognize each other’s bids and commit to making them to one another. Turning towards starts with paying attention to your partner. Even recognizing that a bid has been made makes a response more likely. Turning towards your partner forms the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life. The 2 minute below by the Gottman Institute explains more about bids for connection and turning towards your partner.

If you need help changing habitual patterns, finding healing, peace and ways to a happier, healthier life and relationship, call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687. Join me in this journey to heal ourselves and the world in which we live. There’s no greater gift you can give yourself or those you love than the your own peace and healing.

You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you. See my 3 eBooks on Amazon.