Vivian Baruch

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

A TED Talk by Sex Therapist Esther Perel on Rethinking Infidelity.

Esther Perel totally inspired me with her stunning and beautifully written book “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence“.

Her ideas and methods of working with intimacy and eroticism in relationships moved me so much that in January 2013 I began the first of four online trainings she did with Terry Real on how to work more effectively with individuals and couples on intimacy and erotic issues. In February 2013 Esther excited millions of people with her TED talk “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship“. Then she followed up with another excellent TED talk in 2015 “Rethinking Infidelity…A Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved” which has been watched by 12,038,051 viewers! Click the link to watch it.

Esther Perel’s way of weaving together complex perspectives on difficult-to-discuss topics like eroticism, sexual desire and infidelity makes her a master teacher and therapist, a true leader for both students and clients.

Rethinking infidelity

In her latest TED Talk on the topic of rethinking infidelity she examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic – they threaten our emotional security. Yet she also says that infidelity can be a sign of something we rarely think about — an expression of longing and loss. This video is necessary viewing for anyone who has personally been involved in an affair or whose partner has done so. It provides a new and different framework for understanding relationships.

These were some favourite quotes which my colleague & friend Clinton Power extracted from her presentation:

• “Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time.”
• “Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss.”
• “Affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.”
• “Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair.”
• “Some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine.”
• “I’ve also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me.”
• “Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.”
• “Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.”

Click on the image below to watch the 20 minute video.

Click here to read the transcript of Rethinking Infidelity on the TED website.

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