Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In my work as a couples coach, I often hear one partner ask “Why don’t they think or feel like me? What’s wrong with them?” At the core of this confusion is the idea that your partner should think and feel the same as you.
They don’t.
Your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs are different due to many reasons – among them biological, psychological, social and cultural factors.
A couple’s inability to understand themselves and each other can lead to a confusing mix of emotions, resulting in the power struggle stage of relationship. This is an inevitable stage of relationship development, and doesn’t necessarily mean that anything’s going wrong.
Below is a humorous guest post by Helen Pluckrose, reflecting on how the different emotional needs in her own marriage may be fairly typical of relationships between men and women – or any relationship, irrespective of the sex of the partners. Helen is a liberal humanist and political and cultural writer and commentator. She mostly just wants people to value evidence-based knowledge and consistently liberal ethics.
“I’m sure that men exist who want to talk about their innermost feelings, hopes & fears etc. more than their (women) partners can handle, this is not a norm. A much more common problem we encounter with the Homo Sapiens male is when we observe one to clearly be having feelings of some kind and wish to support him with this but he insists this not to be the case. This kind of thing has happened in my marriage several times:
The husband: becomes quiet & withdrawn, stares gloomily into space a lot, infliction of terrible dad jokes/pranks on innocent wife & daughter much diminished.
Me: What’s up, darling?
Him: Nothing. I’m fine.
Me: You appear to be not fine.
Him: I’m fine! Everything is fine! I insist upon the fineness of everything. Desist in your imaginings of non-fineness.
Me: Ruminates upon all the possibilities ranging from him being terminally ill, about to lose his job, having developed a gambling problem & lost the house, having ceased to love me & wish for a divorce.
(Two weeks later)
Him: (Beaming) We’ve sorted out this problem at work! Wanker making everybody’s life difficult, but we’ve got him to stop it now.
Me: This is what you having been worrying about?
Him: Yep, but all good now.
Me: WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME?
Him: I didn’t want to worry you!
Me: (fantasises about hurling heavy object at his head.)
Seriously, don’t worry about men’s friendships and whether they spend too much time doing things together and not enough sharing their feelings with each other. They’re just like this. When the husband lost his beloved dog, our neighbour arrived on the doorstep and said “Pub?” The husband responded “Pub!” and then they drank beer & played pool & darts and the husband felt much comforted. It’s weird but fine.
When I have something on my mind, on the other hand, I will present it to the husband in full technicolour. He will consider it carefully & then deliver a pronouncement of:
“Just do it”
“Just leave it”
“Don’t worry about it”
I accept this as the expression of love and care that it is, then go off and find a sensible, sympathetic Homo Sapiens female to discuss the matter with properly.
Women are way more likely than men to seek emotional support from their partner on a regular basis, even though they also do this with female friends. Men spend much less time doing this with either their partner or their male friends but when they do, it is likely to be with their partner. This is not a burden or “mankeeping,” you mean-spirited weirdo. Being told what is going on their menfolk’s heads is something that women typically like very much and wish they would do more of. We *like* being the person a man will be most emotionally open with. It makes us feel valued and trusted and very tender and loving towards him.”
To get help with any emotional struggles with your partner, call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.
You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.
To read some of my other writing about emotions
A relationship secret no-one will admit
Wonderful insight and advice, thank you Vivian. I always enjoy your wisdom. A very pleasant salve to absorb. Thank you again.
Thanks Jennifer. Helen Pluckrose is a wonderfully insightful writer.