Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Contracts in relationship exist in every couple. They can be explicit and talked about, or implicit and assumed. If not talked about, they’re based on hidden assumptions. These hidden assumptions are usually wrong because they’re formed on hopes, dreams and expectations rather than on an agreed reality. Contracts create clear boundaries. Boundaries help us deal with our differences and are a very important relationship skill to develop.
Two people in a relationship must have a shared understanding of what’s going on. This is needed on every level of relationship – from issues like cooking and tidiness, to the big things like money, sexual faithfulness and contraception. It’s recommended to review your shared understanding about your relationship at least once a year.
What’s the type of relationship you want?
The type of relationship you want is a fundamental component of your contract. For example, if you want a monogamous relationship and your partner wants an open relationship, this is a major disconnect. Wanting a different type of relationship from your partner may be unworkable. This needs to be discussed and made clear in the contract between you and your partner. A successful relationship requires a team approach, a joint vision for your relationship and a solid friendship.
Once the honeymoon stage of relationship is over, it’s essential to know what the relationship means to your partner and whether it has the same meaning for you. That’s what a relationship is about! It’s an ongoing interaction between two people based on an expectation that certain behaviours will be continued. This shared understanding is the contract – what we expect of the other and what they expect of us. Healthy relationships have explicit expectations and the clearer our contracts are, the freer we are to interact and support each other. Abiding by the contract is fundamental to building trust.
Contracts and commitment
Most misunderstandings and problems between couples arise from unclear contracts. To complicate matters, many people today fear commitment. This is based on a common misunderstanding that a commitment has to be made in one go and last forever. This can be scary. It leads people to think that they’re signing away their freedom or that they’ll have no ground left to stand on. In real life, commitment grows in small stages. It’s like running a marathon, one step at a time.
Contracts also help couples deal better with their disagreements and differences. For example, if they have a clear contract about what is and is not allowed to be said and done in a fight, our inevitable conflicts become healthier. Healthy conflicts help individuals and couples to grow. One example of growing together is to make a contract that during a fight:
- Neither of you will walk out or end the relationship
- You will take a responsible time-out and leave the room for a specified amount of time to self-soothe
- That neither of you will touch, stand over or threaten the other or threaten the relationship in any way.
Contracts in relationship
Because today there are many distinct types of couple relationships, each couple needs to evolve their own contract, one which works specifically for them. We now have the freedom and opportunity to make our own conscious, transparent arrangements. These arrangements are contracts, commitments about what we will say and do or not say and do, in the interest of honouring our self, our partner and our relationship.
The good news about contracts is that they make us feel freer and safer because we know where we each stand. Long-term contracts grow in small steps and take time to evolve. Devising a clear contract that is right for you, your partner and your relationship is a positive move towards things working out well. If you’re wanting to improve your relationship or are seeking a life partner, know that this takes effort and commitment from both of you. It’s a team effort.
Regularly update your contract together
Learn to adjust the contract together, as your needs change and as the relationship develops and deepens through the five stages of intimacy. Be open to reviewing and changing your contract after an agreed amount of time, such as once a year. This way your contract remains up to date with your unique desires, personalities, ages and changing circumstances.
If you are worried about making a contract, try making it short term. For example, you may contract to stay together for the next three months, no matter what happens. This makes it safer for you to disagree and sort out your differences, without an underlying threat of one of you walking out. At the end of the three months, you can decide whether to extend or to change the contract in some way.
To get help in making clear contracts with your partner, call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.
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