Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The importance of our intimate attachments and connections to others cannot be emphasised enough. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, studied attachments for his whole life. His opinion was that your intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which your life revolves.
His research, and that of his students Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, showed that attachment patterns begin when we are infants. because of this, they can continue throughout life. But problematic attachment patterns can be changed and healed by learning emotional regulation skills, practicing self-soothing and learning emotion coaching skills.
Attachment styles
There are three main attachment styles: Secure attachment, Insecure-Avoidant, and Insecure-Resistant (or Ambivalent). The last two may cause difficulties in relationships. Watch this 6.5 minute video by Alain de Botton explaining more about intimate attachments and attachment styles.
Our attachments, emotional ties and experiences with our carers and partners, can influence our lifelong development. This begins in toddlerhood & continues into adolescence and into our old age. The good news is that we are not stuck with your conditioning forever. We can work on changing our reactions and ways of being in our intimate attachments. Doing this work is an opportunity to grow and evolve into becoming secure lovers and friends. In addition, this also helps us develop through the five stages of intimacy.
Social cues and neuroscience
Humans are social animals. As social animals we are “programmed” to automaticaly monitor our physical and emotional environment for safety and connection. This means we are wired for love, attachment and survival. We are constantly judging how available and responsive to us are our close and intimate attachments.
We do this all the time, mostly unconsciously. We monitor social cues like body language, eye contact, smiles, frowns, tone of voice, speed & loudness of speech etc. These non-verbal cues are signals of safety (connection) or threat (disconnection, disinterest) with others.
Most of what happens in our relationships occurs below our awareness. These unconscious cues drive our instantaneous and habitual responses based on what we “expect” will happen.
What this means is that we are not trapped by our past experiences or our history. Our history is not our destiny. Current research in neuroscience and brain plasticity (the ability of the brain to change and grow in response to experience), demonstrates that healthy and fulfilling experiences in any relationships (friends, partners, counsellors) can “rewire” the brain. As a result, every experience we have is rewiring our brains, for the better or worse.
Neuroplasticity and intimate attachments
Neuroscience has shown us that the emotional parts of our brain are constantly scanning our environment, and the people with whom we interact, checking for emotional safety. This is a good thing, we need it for our survival. Our emotional brain does the best job possible to keep us safe. For example, it does this by checking that our carers (when we were babies) and our partners and friends (when we are adults) are responsive to us.
Our old, unconscious patterns of negative expectations and reactivity can gradually be replaced by current experiences of positive attachment. We can bring this about by practicing new ways of responding. rather than reacting. Each time we do this, our brain is rewired to develop new skills and new habits. The result is that we can then respond in new ways in relationships.
This is good news! It means that working on ourself and developing new habits like self-soothing, calming ourself down, relaxing our body, and noticing how we feel are fundamental skills. Read what Hal Shorey says about Finding a Secure Base and Rewiring Your Personality. Doing this self-soothing inner work many times daily through a process called deliberate practice brings about deep-seated, permanent change within us. These practices cultivate the ability for us to choose to respond instead of react to the many challenges in life and relationships.
Most importantly, we need to develop these skills so we can decide what to do and how to communicate to our partner in respectful and moderate ways. Doing this makes a big difference to our attachments and attachment styles. Using these sklills can also assist our partner, friends and family to respond to us in more positive ways.
Above all it means that we have much more influence on how our intimate attachments play out. By being actively engaged in rewiring our brain and developing new experiences, we gain more self-esteem and personal empowerment along the way.
How we can self-soothe with the senses
If you need help in developing more intimate attachments in relationship, call 0421 961 687 or email us to schedule an appointment. International callers should call +61 421 961 687.
You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.
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