Mindful sex is when you’re totally and fully absorbed in the physical sensations of your body. Mindful sex doesn’t mean you won’t have distracting thoughts. What it does mean is that you practice letting these thoughts to go, whenever they arise, without being distracted by them. It’s about cultivating awareness of the moment you’re in.
Dr. Laurie Mintz writes about how mindful sex is mind blowing sex. Mindfulness is the opposite of mindlessness, which is being on auto-pilot. When you’re on auto-pilot you’re not seeing or being with whatever’s in front of you. Instead you’re creating a version of reality in your head of what you think is going on.
Get into the present moment
To get out of your head and into the present moment when having mindful sex, focus any one of these things: the sensations in your body, what you’re touching, how being touched feels, how you’re moving, breathing, what you’re tasting, hearing and smelling. Notice how your partner is moving, sounding, touching, initiating or responding to you.
Get out of your head and come to your senses, as Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn says. Our senses are in the here and now. Coming to our senses is about paying attention in an open-hearted way, to yourself, to your partner and to your surroundings. Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally, says Kabat-Zinn.
When you’re in the moment, mindful sex can be freeing and fun. It can also be deep and connected or it can simply be paying attention to whatever is happening in the moment. No agenda. When you’re able to stay in your body during sex, staying open and tuned in, you’re able to stay connected to the physical experience of mindful sex. You stay out of your head.
During mindful sex, Richard Chambers and Margie Ulbrick explain that we develop interoceptive awareness. This is awareness of our physiological and emotional states. Research shows that increased interoceptive awareness improves sexual experiences by getting us out of our heads and into our bodies.
Practicing mindful sex often results in good sex. Being in your body and out of your head means more pleasurable sex. Pleasure and sexuality have a number of positive functions for your relationship— a shared pleasure; a way to connect, nurture & comfort; a means to reinforce and deepen intimacy; it affirms your gender and desirability. It has many health benefits like raising immunity, improving mood, lowering blood pressure, reducing pain, improving sleep & much more. Sex is also a tension reducer which helps deal with the stresses of life and your relationship.
Here are 7 ways to practice Mindful Sex:
1. Focus on your points of connection
Focus your attention on the place where your two bodies connect. Bring your awareness to the sensations of touch – like texture, warmth, coolness, smoothness, roughness, hardness and softness. When your mind is distracted, refocus on the places where your bodies are touching. Mindfulness is the practice of returning the mind to the present moment, over and over and over.
2. Focus on your movements
Bring your awareness to the movements of your body. Focus on whether they are slow or fast, small or large, gentle or forceful. Paying attention to movement intensifies your experience.
3. Focus on your bodily changes
Notice how changes occur in your body, how you become warm or cool, how your heart rate changes, how or where you become sweaty, tense or relaxed, how arousal feels for you.
4. Focus on your partner
Focus on your partner’s body. How does it feel to you? Notice your partner’s movements, the flush of their skin, their breath and heart rate, their tremors or moans. Keep observing and noticing the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures in the present, without creating a story like “Are they turned on? Do they like this?” If you’re not sure, ask them! Talking during sex gives you instant feedback about what’s really going on for them, not what you imagine is happening for them.
5. Focus on your breath or breathe together
One way to calm a busy mind is to focus your attention on your breath. Your breath can regulate and bring the body into a calm and aware state of being fully in the present. Focus on your inhalation and exhalation. Feel your breath moving through your body. Notice the way your partner is breathing. Match your rhythm of breathing to theirs.
6. Focus on your heart and create an energetic link between your heart and your partner’s heart
Imagine an energy exchange between your hearts. Feel into the giving energy and the receiving energy, the ebb and flow of yin and yang. Visualize energy going out of your heart, entering your partner’s heart and then coming back to you. This practice that can create an energetic bond.
7. Look into each other’s eyes
Have mindful sex with lights on or candles. Notice the details of your partner’s eyes. Keep eye contact during your love-making and notice how their eyes change during your sexual interaction. Allow any thoughts or worries to flow through you and drift away, just like watching leaves floating downstream.
As David Schnarch says in his classic book “Passionate Marriage”, developing real sexual intimacy pushes you to grow past the limits of the sexual stories you tell yourself. You can grow beyond your past and your history.
Practicing mindful sex allows you to be in the moment, just as it is, without comparing it to any other experience. Mindful sex can become a powerful platform for growth, connection, spiritual development, deepening love and eroticism.
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