There is a secret behind the 10 minute relationship miracle. This touching letter describes the pain that many people feel when they feel disconnected from their partner:
“I get the feeling that my boyfriend is becoming emotionally distant. And you know, this is a pattern for me. After a few months where things are going unbelievably well, my boyfriends disappear on me. I am desperate but I know you can help me.”
Does this sound familiar? Whether you’re just dating and your partner has become emotionally distant or you’ve been married for 20 years and it’s in a deep freeze, I’m going to show you a simple technique that can save almost any relationship.
You must try this if you really want the relationship to turn around. I’ve lost count of the many, many couples who’ve been helped by regularly practicing what the ten minute relationship miracle.
This skill, and it is a skill, is just one of the specific relationship tools that can help you turn your relationship around. This exercise will help you attract your partner, deepen your bond and make him or her be happy to be around you. Does this sound too good to be true?
Well, here are the facts: about 80% of people who divorce say that the reason the marriage ended was that they grew apart and lost the feeling of being close. It was the lack of closeness; not an affair that, by the way, was nowhere near the top of the list. And the engine that fuels closeness is the ability to listen. So with that in mind let’s get started:
I want you to schedule regular TEN MINUTE LISTENING SESSIONS with your partner. At first, schedule them at least every other day.
In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other simply listens with full attention. The listener does not speak. If the talker has a silent period, she/he should just say “Nothing is coming to mind.” No matter what, use a clock and honour a full ten minute session – as if you were paying a therapist for their time!!
At first, it’s best to avoid complaining about the relationship itself in these sessions. Instead, really get to know each other. After the two of you get used to having the listening sessions, you can try adding comments about the relationship or your partner.
At that point, any complaint about the partner should be turned into a need (not an accusation) and phrased in the third person, i.e., “I feel sad because my husband/boyfriend works a lot and I really need him to tell me he loves me.” Or “I would love to make love more often with my wife – it makes me feel close to her.”
The bottom line rule is: Anything that is said during that time is SACRED and cannot be brought up during an argument!
When the speaker’s time is over, switch roles, and let the person who’s been listening have their ten minutes to talk. Do not use this time to comment on your partner’s ten minutes and turn this opportunity into a debate. This time is not for a “make right or wrong” session. It is a sharing time designed to allow partners to not hold their thoughts and feelings back.
The ten minute process takes discipline and self-control, and the more the two of you cultivate the ability to listen, the closer you will be to rekindling your love. In my counselling practice, I share my secrets to developing this and other crucial skills. If you want a long-term passionate relationship, counselling or relationship coaching may be just what you need to give you some practical skills.
In my clinical work, I’ve seen hellish marriages come back from the brink of disaster using only this listening exercise! And my husband and I use it regularly to get to know each other all over again.
If you don’t want to go through all the emotional, financial, and familial hell of a breakup or divorce, schedule formal Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other on a regular basis.
Print out these instructions & post them on your refrigerator.
You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 10 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.
Adapted from Dr. Diana Kirchner http://dating-advice.tv/e-course/