In the last few days, I’ve noticed people posting their “secrets to winning him over,” “secrets to all you need to know about her heart,” and “the secret to finding your soul mate.”
Yeesh! Let me save you the time, energy and money to figure out these secrets of relationship success. But first let’s inquire into why we are all drawn to “secrets.”
The secret to why secrets sell
We all like secrets. We often feel like we don’t have enough of whatever it is we think we should have. And we look at others who have what we desire and attribute it to luck, good fortune, or something they know that we don’t.
We think, “Those people in successful relationships know something I don’t. There’s a trick to this relationship thing that I don’t know yet. If I figure out that secret formula, everything will get better for me and my relationships.”
No one wants to read about, “This is the realistic way to get everything you desire.” That doesn’t sell!
Much of this is due to 21st century life where we’ve been taught there are quick and easy solutions for everything. And some is due to biological reasons. We are all wired to try and find the short-cut to a positive outcome.
But at a certain point, we do need to do some work to reach a goal. That’s where the secret lies.
15 Secrets to a Happy Relationship
Here are the 15 secrets to success that I see:
1. It’s work. Effort is part of the deal.
2. You need to have a goal and take steps daily to reach it.
3. There’s a level of risk involved. It means taking informed risk. If you only play safe and don’t step out of your comfort zone, nothing changes.
4. It takes effort to reap rewards. Successful relationship partners invest in growing their relationships.
5. Relationship growth requires a robust presence. The people who “make it” challenge themselves, take the courage to be honest about what they like or don’t like, and communicate that in non-blaming and direct ways.
6. They plan conversations and outings. They know planning is just as important as carrying the plans out.
7. The people in successful relationships are constantly evolving and know that relationships must constantly evolve or they stagnate.
8. They expect some things to fail and accept that’s part of trying new things to build their relationship.
9. Many have had good role models or sought help from counsellors, coaches, courses or books to support their growth and progress. They know that relationships matter and that no one becomes successful alone. All have a community of peers they rely on to support them in their journey of growing their relationship.
10. They put a lot of effort into their relationships. [Have I said this before? :)]
11. They recognise the importance of clearly asking for what they want instead of expecting their partners to read their minds.
12. They value their time together. They are each other’s best friends and like to hang out together.
13. They give generously to each other in many different ways, such as their energy, time, attention, compliments, small gifts, and sexually. They think about their partner’s needs as well as their own.
14. They innovate. They’re always thinking of new ways to have fun, change the routine, and bring novelty into their lives.
15. They all started from the same place as you, which prompted them to learn from others who had successful relationships.
The real secret is in making it yours and executing that plan
Want the inside scoop? Here’s the summary of how to build a thriving relationship.
- Have a vision and a passion for a great relationship
- Figure out clearly what you want and need in a relationship
- Keep seeking until you find the person who wants and needs the same type of relationship you do
- Talk to them about their needs and let them know your needs
- If these needs are similar, connect and start building a joint vision for your relationship
- Listen to each other’s feelings, learn from the process of moving together towards your common goal
- Expect problems and offer solutions to solving problems as they arise
- Learn from the problems and keep moving towards your joint vision
What makes some couples successful is they take the above aspects of good relationships and customize it to suit their personalities, lifestyles, and needs. Think about the good relationships you know about. They aren’t all the same. All have something unique about them.
That isn’t random. Those successful couples put a lot of thought and effort into planning and creating the look, feel and tone of their relationship.
The WORK is sorting out the details involved in those bullet points above.
Sure, it takes effort, but if you focus on a joint vision, plan your steps and act on them, your relationship grows.
Let’s not forget the execution of the plan. Those successful relationship partners don’t stop putting energy into their relationship. They know that it’s an ongoing process.
Do you think they got successful by accident?
Often people looking for secrets don’t want to work that hard.
Only you can decide what success is worth to you and consistently apply the effort needed to make it happen.
You deserve the best trained relationship coaches if you’re planning to invest time and money in your relationship. If you’re not ready to book an appointment, call us on 0421 961 687 to book a FREE 10 minute phone consultation to discuss how we may be able to assist you.